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sex

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Fill My Hole

You know that fire in your belly when you're hungry? That glint in your eye when you're horny? That skip in your step when you're passionate about something?

Don't lose it. And for god's sake, stop trying to bury it. 

Each of us contains a deep-seated inborn sense of lack; it is the eternal human condition and the cornerstone upon which most religions and philosophies are built. The Buddha, for example, said that your cravings (desires which attempt to fill that hole) are the very cause of your suffering. The thought is:

  1. Since you will never ultimately be fulfilled, you're only setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment if you seek fulfillment.
  2. Therefore, desire should be overcome.

Cool, Buddha, but here's a different perspective: that empty space that seems to eclipse your happiness is in fact not a curse but a tremendous boon - and the search to "fill your hole," while ultimately futile, is the very thing that gives life its power and juice and well… LIFE.

If you allow it, that anxious buzz in you can be the fuel that drives you. That discontentment that feels like pain can actually help you to spring out of bed in the morning and tackle life. Don't be concerned, friend, about the sadness and lack in you. Celebrate it. Own it. Let it push you like a goddamned rocket. Breathe it down deep and feel the energy surging up and through all of your limbs. That "unffff" you feel when you see something that REALLY turns you on? Go after life like THAT.

Don't be fooled, however. Reaching your goals and fulfilling your desires will never make you happy. In fact when you get the guy, when you land the job, when you realize your fantasies, when you buy the house - you will be disillusioned. It will not satisfy you or fill the hole, but that does not mean you should not pursue or desire it.

At the risk of sounding like a kitchen magnet: screw the destination; the journey is exactly the point. 

Most of us do not celebrate our discontentment but rather are annoyed and pained by it. So what do we do? We mask it or deplete it. We smoke weed, we jerk off, we drink heavily - not to feel more deeply - but to shut off our thoughts and distract our dis-ease in a thousand different ways. 

Take sex for instance. When you've got "the urge to merge" there is a craving in your body/mind that feels like an electric buzz. Your frantic search for fulfillment is a pursuit to make that buzzing end. But I would also wager to say that at the same time you're feeling horny and needy, you're also more alert, more eager for life and [very likely] more loving (all of which will certainly deplete the minute you get your rocks off). Instead of seeking release from all of your longings, what if you were to harness them, feel them circulate in your body and utilize that eager energy like a tamed (but extraordinarily powerful) bull between your legs?

Now take that and relate it to finances, to career, to spirituality, to any of your needs:

  1. Feel your lack deeply;
  2. Celebrate your longing for things to be different than what they are right now;
    ...and then...
  3. Find contentment - not in the satiation or fulfillment of your desires and goals - but in the unsatisfied, buzzy hunger itself.

Suddenly life is juicy and yummy and full of spark and opportunity. You are more attracted to your partner, you pursue financial opportunities with vigor and you sensually and enthuastically enjoy the challenge and process along the way. Unfff.

By Trevor Harden
Artwork: "Finger Sex" by Tina Lug. Used with permission - check out her amazing site!

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Slow Ride

Transient

I'm all for rough sex, don't get me wrong.

There's nothing like a good, sharp slap to the face or animalistic thrash-fest to allow two people to get out of their heads, play with power-exchange and ride their edge. In fact, it's my go-to M.O. 

But lately I've been thinking about and experimenting with something altogether different. Not better or worse, just different.  Something more intentional and deliberate. Less biting and more 'being.' Less gritting-through-the-tension and more relaxation. Less primal and more ... spiritual? (Whatever that means.)

If you've got a willing partner who's up for a challenge, this may be something to try. But be forewarned that it's going to take a lot of effort and practice. Even getting in "the mood" for something like this is something you'll need to ease into. Take a long, warm bath together, perhaps followed by some massage or oral. Whatever. But you both have to be free from stresses and mental anxieties of any kind.

Ready? Alright. Be 100% present - as if the purpose of that moment isn't to grind through your pent-up desires but to be fully with him or her. Warm yourselves up and when penetration occurs (yum, by the way) - see how ridiculously slowly this can take place, never losing connection or presence. Now STOP. Literally be still and full inside one another. Let some heat build up. Move through your normal series of positions but instead of your normal physical activity, be as nuanced and artful and motionless as possible. Every time your eyes or presence drifts away, bring it back (sort of like a Vipassana breath practice that involves your naughty bits). 

The need to start pounding away (or receiving a pounding) will be vicious, like an incredible itch that you cannot scratch. Every part of your being will grow more and more on fire, but don't cave. Stay with your partner like a frickin' laser beam. Push through it and keep breathing, occasionally rocking gently but only enough to recharge. Let whatever emotions are under the surface come bubbling up. Maybe you'll cry. Maybe you'll manifest a deep care and compassion for your partner. Whatever it is, relax into it and feel it fully. 

When you feel you've fully connected and want to end, well then you're done. And no coming (unless it just naturally happens). Whereas you normally blast out all your energy, become depolarized and pass out, melting away into sleepytime on opposite sides of the bed, now you settle down still full of heat and connection. Don't be surprised if you fall asleep tucked into your lover's nook. A connection - a magnetic charge - has been intensified and the act is truly and literally "making love." Your genitals may not explode, but your hearts just might. 

Or you could just fuck like horny livestock and come all over her tits. That's totally cool too.

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A Night in the Temple

Transient

My wife and I recently went together to a fully nude strip club near our hometown. We found ourselves mere inches (and often closer) to the inner thighs and spread assholes of perfect strangers. And we found God there. 

Let me back up...

In an age of ubiquitous porn - from Showtime softcore to YouJizz.com - there is no shortage of skin to be seen. What's the appeal, then, of the strip club? Unless we're socially awkward or living a sheltered life, we've seen skin and parts before. Just catching a glimpse of "naughty bits" is hardly enough to be titillating or keep anyone's attention anymore. 

You could argue that it's the connection - as vapid and illusory as it may be - that is the draw. Men flock to these establishments to mingle and feel a self-centered, faux-intimacy to a woman that he probably wouldn't have a chance with otherwise. You could say it's an ego-boost of sorts. Or perhaps a glitter-coated elixir for the pains of loneliness. And for many patrons, that may be exactly what's happening.

But I suspect that in its best moments, something far deeper is going on. Something that's perhaps born unconsciously below many people's intentions. I feel this because my wife and I touched on it this night and proceeded to discuss it for days after. And what experience is that? 

Worship.

Yes, precisely the kind that happens at churches, temples and mosques all over the world. Patrons flock to those establishments to connect with the source of life, to be a part of something bigger than themselves, to experience Beauty. They lift their hands and sing with joy until their hearts open. They lay down their offerings out of gratitude and respect. And is this any different?

Nevermind the worn down and long-in-the-tooth or dead-behind-the-eyes strippers who are passionlessly gyrating their hips and staring off into space. The good dancers transport you and connect you to something … divine. Her genuine smile; her open, shameless and uninhibited body; her rhythmic and sensual movements, her piercing eye contact, her lustful invitation - we watch these with ever blossoming joy because they are the incarnated embodiment of Feminine Energy. She is Shakti, Mother Mary, the Sacred Whore, Mother Earth, the Goddess - and the quality of her energy is light, which much be seen. Our hearts are blasted open by her radiance and she is glorified by being watched. We inhale that energy and it becomes fuel and inspiration. The arousal coursing through our bodies is felt as the very juice of life, the power that births worlds and set the whole fucking universe into motion. 

So we clap our hands and smile with joy until our hearts open. We lay down our offerings at their feet out of gratitude and respect. It may be a far cry from the self-denied asceticism of Jesus on a cross (which certainly has its time and place) - but for those of us who are more interested in cautiously seeking divinity in the world we live in (as opposed to an after-death fairy tale), we may just find it in the most unusual of places: the strip joint on the edge of town. 

So there you have it. Leave it to me to turn the home of Tits and Ass into the Holy of Holies. 

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